If you would have talked to me six months ago, you would have been talking to someone who was absolutely miserable, however, when talking to this girl you may not have realized the sadness she felt and misery she went through everyday, because it was all hidden behind a smile.
The truth is I was depressed. I didn't realize I was, in fact I thought not wanting to wake up everyday was a normal thing. I thought that the anxiety I felt was normal for a college student, and sometimes it was, but not when I found myself breaking down in Target (more about that in a second), or feeling absolutely suffocated when walking into a dining hall or just being around more than three people. I had many internal emotional issues, but just like anyone else, I put a smile on and acted happy.
I can't pinpoint when I started to feel sad and overwhelmed but I want to say it started sometime in November, however, I never saw it as a problem until January and February.
And of course there was a breaking point that made me realize something was wrong....
My best friend Morgan and I absolutely love Target, it may sound crazy but we would spend hours in there, like every Tuesday, just browsing. One day was different. I had bad days and on those bad days I would just wake up feeling some sort of weird way, my anxiety levels were high immediately and I woke up feeling like I was suffocating. Those were the days I didn't want to leave my dorm, this day was one of those. So Morgan and I started our morning at Michael's. Morgan is super crafty and needed her crafty stuff to make her cute crafts, so Michael's was exactly where we needed to go that morning. I had started to get frustrated with her there because I was impatient and tired of hearing about her dog that she continued to talk about (on any other day this conversation would have been perfectly fine, but this was a bad day). My impatience continued as we switched locations to Target and I got frustrated with her for yelling at someone for their bad driving. So when we eventually got into Target I continued to be rude and cold towards her and she finally asked me why I was acting the way I was acting, and I immediately burst into tears. Right there, in Target, in tears, people staring from all directions. She dragged me to the side and asked me what was wrong and I tried to explain that I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy at CNU or anywhere, I just wasn't happy. I could tell this frustrated her, especially when she said, "I thought I made you happy."
Morgan, my dear Morgan, I want to take this moment to say, thank you. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't have gotten help, I may not have stayed in school, I wouldn't have gotten up everyday, I wouldn't be where I am today, and most importantly, I wouldn't be happy. Thank you.
It's hard to explain but basically Morgan makes you realize exactly what's wrong in your life. She's blunt but helpful, she doesn't overanalyze things, she sees things as they are. If you want to know what's wrong with your life, go to Morgan.
Morgan basically told me I needed help, and she was right. So because of Morgan, I sought help and found it and when that help only taught me how to breath, I sought more help; self-help.
I got to a point where I realized that the only person that was responsible for my happiness was me. So I took it upon myself to help me become happy. Cue diet and exercise. I changed what I ate and how I lived and completely turned my life around. And this isn't about the weight loss, its about my mind. When I opened my life to change, my whole attitude became positive and brighter. My confidence quickly sky rocketed and I started to look at life as something that was exciting and new. I started to wake up happy and ready to take on anything.
Now I feel like I am on top of the world. Since this journey everything in my life has fallen into place, in some crazy weird way. Good things keep coming and the negative past is quickly fading away. The smile I have on everyday is real and the tears I cry are full of joy and pure happiness.
I want everyone to feel how I am feeling and that's what this post is all about. It's not about losing weight, it's about finding the change you need. A drug or a doctor aren't going to make your life any better, and frankly your friends and family can't be responsible for your happiness either, only you can change your life. You are in charge of your body and your future.
If you were to die today, this week, or even just this year, would you have ever seen true happiness?
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